


loved and lost

by a_nybodys



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death (mentioned), Gen, Second person POV, all lowercase, also depression issues, also ptsd issues, no capitalization, stream of conciousness, taako has self-image issues, this boy has too many issues help him
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-07
Updated: 2017-04-07
Packaged: 2018-10-15 22:17:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 635
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10558596
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/a_nybodys/pseuds/a_nybodys
Summary: the mirror is covered with a blanket.





	

the mirror is covered with a thick blanket. you had enough blankets on your bed anyway, you could spare one. you tell yourself its because it distracts you but you know its a lie. distract you from what? wallowing in a pile of fantasy doritos and half-empty cans of pop on a bed you havent even tried to meditate on since you defeated the Hunger? yeah, right my man, find a better excuse.

you know merle, magnus, angus and the rest of those goons are probably getting worried but you? you dont give a shit. you are 100% fine with a capital F and a trademark symbol. you dont give a shit how others percieve you. youre used to being alone.

it was easier to tell yourself that before the memories came back.

so. anyway. theres a blanket over the mirror. a corner is showing through, though. from the taako-shaped imprint practically melded into the bed now, you can see a sliver of your face. brown eyes. brown freckled skin. bleached blonde hair with brown roots showing. 

you miss her.

ever since you can (now) remember you always wished that you looked different from lup. sure, being identical had its perks. adults cooing over just how adorable you two were and giving you free food, a few coins, a pat on the head. dressing in each others clothes to trick your auntie. but youre a performer. individuality is key. and lup- lup always wanted to stand out because of who she was, not because of her beauty or how much she looked like her brother. so you both decided to change things up, you dying your hair different colors depending on your mood and her shaving her head with different designs every month. it worked. barry stopped leaning in to kiss you instead of her (thank the gods) and lucretia stopped scolding her for stupid shit you had done.

but

looking at yourself now makes you wish that you had cherished her more. because the longer you have a different face than the one you were born with, the more you forget what she looked like. you know you dont look drastically different than you did before but

you start to wonder whether her eyes crinkled more or less at the corners and whether she had had more or less freckles than you and if her nose turned up more and

youre crying again.

you begin to wonder whether being alone from the get-go is easier to deal with than having someone and losing them. 

fuck thats probably a fortune cookie saying isnt it.

its times like this that you wish you could cook again. cook without your hands shaking, without panic attacks, without feeling...

lup always loved to watch you cook. she couldnt cook to save her life. your auntie always joked that 'that girl could burn water if she tried hard enough'. anything non-valuble that got into lups hands would usually end up burnt or scorched in some way. she would always help you, though. passing you ingredients, reading off recipies, stirring while you transmogrified-

fuck. your hands are shaking again. whatever. anyway you wish you could cook. it was always a comfort pasttime. but now you cant even think about cooking without your hands shaking, without your thoughts turning to saz-

the blanket has fallen off the mirror. you look a mess; eyes red and puffy, face half-buried in a pillow, hands shaking and gripping the purple sheets for dear life. youre left looking, staring, really, at your face for the first time since wonderland. your face. your own, personal, copyrighted face. you stare and feel sick and certain that youre betraying her somehow. that she cant even live in her twin brothers face. 

you put the blanket back on the mirror.

**Author's Note:**

> hey my name is hail and i never fuckin learned how to write


End file.
